Brace yourself. Things are about to get annoying.
Drunk shopping happens sometimes, and it rarely ends in a good place.
I’ve drunk bought tons of junky “OMG THATS SO FUNNY” things on the Urban Outfitters bookshelves after afternoons at Frog n Firkin, I’ve bought countless things at Saks during their Champagne-spiked special events that I couldn’t afford and I have bit the bullet on several big purchases online while under the influence.
Edited to add: My brother also reminded me that once when I was drunk, I bought a UV germ-killing wand at Walgreen’s when he visited and had mono. Good catch, Cam.
But this hat…
After I saw this picture I freaked out to my dentist friend Ashlie. One of my front teeth looks longer!
…is something I definitely do NOT regret.
After a little Christmasey stroll, TJ and I had, oh, four glasses of Champagne (each) on empty stomachs, then proceeded to The Gap for some reason. The reason: they had a DJ. We looked at a bunch of stuff, and then he put this hat on my head and said “YOU HAVE TO GET IT.” I looked at myself for 2.5 seconds and was in line to purchase. ($39.95, and 30% off that day). Sidebar: it’s faux.
It’s just so massive. It’s like the size of a toaster oven, and it’s the exact color of my hair so it looks like I have a big David Bowie haircut mullet or something.
Flashing a peace sign adds a nice exchange student-ey flavor to the whole scenario.
I wore it all night with sunglasses at this Christmas parade and was the center of attention. I have a bunch of new friends. I had to tell someone every six seconds where it was from. People in Cole Haan laughed out loud at me. People on the street gave me countless dirty and envious and confused looks. Somebody asked “Is that Ke$ha?” It’s just big and obNOXious and really effing warm.
It’s also like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It just makes me better at life or something. I’m definitely funnier when I have it on. In Neiman Marcus I had the sales associates in stitches. They asked if I was missing the parade and I said “Well, I wouldn’t say we’re missing it” and about 20 people were like banging the counters with their fists I was so hilarious. Maybe they were laughing at me, I don’t really recall.
It’s funny to wear while having fun, even funnier to wear with a straight face and funniEST to wear with an angry face.
Well, I guess that’s it. I’m done here.
Do you like my hat?