Let me warn you: it isn’t pretty. But neither am I right now.
MY THROAT IS CLOSING UP, MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT AND I NEED CAKE.
Sometimes you get bad news, an unexpected bill or you just plain freak.out. and cake is the only thing that kind of helps. I’ve had a bad day or two recently. Carbs don’t improve anything, but they temporarily distract you.
If cookies, wine and Twinkies require a trip to the store, don’t worry. You probably already have all the ingredients you need for my Scary 30-Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One.
It’s not that good, but it doesn’t have to be because you’re desperate.
Step One: Gather the Goods
- One heaping T. of flour
- One egg
- One T. sugar
- 1/2 tsp. baking powder
- Two T. Peanut Butter
- Some kind of unhealthy candy of your choice (optional, but recommended)
- However much powdered sugar you think
- However much milk makes it your preferred level of frosting
Step Two: Mix the Batter as Quickly as You Can
In a cereal bowl with a fork, beat the egg. Then add baking powder, flour, sugar and peanut butter. As you violently mix, your arm fat will jiggle. Ignore it and press on.
Step Three: Smash into Greased Ramekin
Obviously I didn’t have Pam or butter to grease with, so I used olive oil and rubbed it around in the ramekin with my pointer finger cause I’m classy like that. You may need to push the batter around a little with your finger to cover the bottom of the pan, Easy-Bake Oven-style.
Toss in the microwave for 30 seconds. That’s all it takes to cook through.
Step Four: Mix Frosting
As your heart races and your cake cooks, pour powdered sugar and milk in another cereal bowl and mix. I used a T. of sugar and a tiny splash of milk. You’ll know it’s perfect when it looks like it belongs on a Cinnabon.
Step Five: Pull Your Grotesque Cake Out of the Microwave
Yes, this is the finished product. It actually turns into a cake-like consistency. It will smell like peanut butter and should be dripping with self-loathing.
Pour pseudo-frosting on top.
Step Six: Eat it Alone and in the Dark
You don’t want anybody to see this depressing display, trust me.
This is an adaptation of Back to Her Roots’ recipe here.