Scary 30-Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Let me warn you: it isn’t pretty. But neither am I right now.

MY THROAT IS CLOSING UP, MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT AND I NEED CAKE.

Sometimes you get bad news, an unexpected bill or you just plain freak.out. and cake is the only thing that kind of helps. I’ve had a bad day or two recently. Carbs don’t improve anything, but they temporarily distract you.

If cookies, wine and Twinkies require a trip to the store, don’t worry. You probably already have all the ingredients you need for my Scary 30-Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One.

It’s not that good, but it doesn’t have to be because you’re desperate.

peanut butter panic cake 4 Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Step One: Gather the Goods

Cake

  • One heaping T. of flour
  • One egg
  • One T. sugar
  • 1/2 tsp. baking powder
  • Two T. Peanut Butter
  • Some kind of unhealthy candy of your choice (optional, but recommended)

Frosting

  • However much powdered sugar you think
  • However much milk makes it your preferred level of frosting

peanut butter panic cake 3 Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Step Two: Mix the Batter as Quickly as You Can

In a cereal bowl with a fork, beat the egg. Then add baking powder, flour, sugar and peanut butter. As you violently mix, your arm fat will jiggle. Ignore it and press on.

Add candy.

peanut butter panic cake 2 Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Step Three: Smash into Greased Ramekin

Obviously I didn’t have Pam or butter to grease with, so I used olive oil and rubbed it around in the ramekin with my pointer finger cause I’m classy like that. You may need to push the batter around a little with your finger to cover the bottom of the pan, Easy-Bake Oven-style.

Toss in the microwave for 30 seconds. That’s all it takes to cook through.

peanut butter panic cake 5 Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Step Four: Mix Frosting

As your heart races and your cake cooks, pour powdered sugar and milk in another cereal bowl and mix. I used a T. of sugar and a tiny splash of milk. You’ll know it’s perfect when it looks like it belongs on a Cinnabon.

peanut butter panic cake Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Step Five: Pull Your Grotesque Cake Out of the Microwave

Yes, this is the finished product. It actually turns into a cake-like consistency. It will smell like peanut butter and should be dripping with self-loathing.

Pour pseudo-frosting on top.

peanut butter panic cake 6 Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

Step Six: Eat it Alone and in the Dark

You don’t want anybody to see this depressing display, trust me.

This is an adaptation of Back to Her Roots’ recipe here.

00 cgp initials Scary 30 Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

 

12 Comments on Scary 30-Second Peanut Butter Panic Cake For One

  1. Megan
    August 31, 2011 at 5:32 PM (3 years ago)

    You’re hilarious. Now stop hating yourself and ENJOY the damn monstrosity of a cake, why don’t you? Sounds like it would be good with a glass of almond milk. Or chardonnay.

    Miss you miss!

    Reply
    • Claire
      August 31, 2011 at 6:49 PM (3 years ago)

      Miss you, too! xo

      Reply
  2. Heather
    August 31, 2011 at 6:39 PM (3 years ago)

    love your blog! And I decided to stop lurking because this post made me laugh pretty hard.. I might try this sometime soon! I agree with the Almond milk comment… mmmm

    Reply
    • Claire
      August 31, 2011 at 6:47 PM (3 years ago)

      Thanks for reading, Megan and Heather! Only make this if you have nothing else around, and thanks for de-lurking and commenting!

      xo

      Reply
  3. Maggie
    August 31, 2011 at 9:31 PM (3 years ago)

    Claire, you are hilarious. I love this blog

    Reply
    • Claire
      August 31, 2011 at 9:32 PM (3 years ago)

      Thanks!

      Reply
  4. Ash
    September 1, 2011 at 2:35 PM (3 years ago)

    I’m in an Morale and Welfare internet room filled with other unfortunate souls, laughing hysterically. People are looking at me in a concerned manner.

    Reply
    • Claire
      September 1, 2011 at 2:41 PM (3 years ago)

      Have a microwave? LOL

      Reply
  5. Stacy
    September 4, 2011 at 3:05 PM (3 years ago)

    Claire – I’m seriously crying right now. And I will definitely be making this in the near future. Can’t wait…..I think all that laughing was the most intense ab workout I’ve had in about a month

    Reply
    • Claire
      September 4, 2011 at 7:43 PM (3 years ago)

      Wow, I’m glad everybody thinks it’s so funny that their friend Claire hit rock bottom.

      Reply
  6. liska
    September 7, 2011 at 1:57 PM (3 years ago)

    the girl who writes that blog you got the idea from lives in my town i see her everywhere

    Reply
    • Claire
      September 7, 2011 at 4:06 PM (3 years ago)

      Tell her she ruined my life

      Reply

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