Don’t read this if you’re young and optimistic about the rest of your life.
Our best days are behind us.
We really do peak at like 22, when we’re in college. We are at our most attractive, our reasoning skills are at their best, cool new brands care about marketing to us. That is so freaking depressing. If I’d known how fast you turn 27 and old I would have worked out, auditioned for things, hung out in clubs in tight dresses and stripper heels and gone to the pool in tiny bikinis more often.
I might as well just give up. Know what’s worse? My younger brothers might as well give up, too.
What the hell do you know, Winston Churchill? You didn’t just feel totally lost watching the VMAs.
Here are some facts that support my quarter-life crisis:
This extremely reputable source claims we are most attractive at 26. Our beauty is fading, you guys!
I am now too old (not to mention too fat) to compete for Miss America. I never even tried.
My hair isn’t as thick and lustrous as it used to be. As a matter of fact, stress is making it fall out, five strands at a time.
I’m getting those horizontal Luke Perry lines whenever I raise my eyebrows too hard. I am already never frowning again because I have fine frown lines. So basically I can never move my eyebrows again, for the rest of my life.
I understood about 15% of the VMAs on Sunday: the parts about Beyonce and Britney Spears. What the hell is a Justin Bieber?
My hips, knees and feet keep making popping sounds.
There have been NINE Gamma Phi pledge classes since mine.
Brain decline begins at 27 and I’m already calling people the wrong names and stuff. (OK, it happened like once, but it still happened!)
All popular celebrities are now younger than me.
I have peers who are doctors and lawyers and I just have a stupid blog.
What do I have to look forward to? 30?! 40?! Menopause? OMG It only gets worse from there. Ummmm why hop on a treadmill ever again? I’ll never be as hot as the 22 year-olds. Should I even try to get a cool job or should I just become a janitor and wait for my time to run out? OMG does anybody else feel this way?