I’ve noticed a disturbing trend lately: the tiny hat. Now I’m not talking about the fabulous fascinators you may have seen if you were able to look at anything other than the princes at this year’s Royal Wedding—I’m talking about seriously tiny hats. Like, smaller than your fist, attached to a headband or a ribbon tiny. Like, look how whimsical and charming and happy-go-lucky-yet-also-old-timey-British I am tiny. People, this must stop.
Now, I understand trying to show everyone how carefree and adorkable you are. Hell, I live in Portland and I also wear glasses (and I may or may not have knitted a hat with cat ears on it at one point, but whatever)—I get it. Zooey Deschanel dress-alikes reign supreme these days, and it’s only natural to wonder every once in a while if you can pull off a wacky accessory like a feather in your hair or a pair of rainbow suspenders. (Note: you can’t. No one can, except maybe Gallagher when it comes to the suspenders and it turns out he’s a douche so just forget about the suspenders already.) However, the tiny hat goes far beyond your average fashion don’t. It is flat-out ridiculous and everyone who buys one knows it.
I imagine that the woman who purchases a tiny hat feels she has no options left. She’s tried wearing those stupid fucking wolf head scarf-hat combos, she’s worn both dangerously low- and dangerously high-waisted pants, she may have even spent the past few years pretending that tights are pants. (Note: tights are not pants. Get a skirt already.) The point is, she’s exhausted, and she’s out of attention-getting ideas. Along comes a teeny, tiny top hat, with its promises of sidelong glances and invitations to attend one of those murder mystery dinner parties, and she gives in and puts the sucker on top (the tippy top, mind you) of her desperate head.
Well, tiny-hat wearer, allow me to intervene here. You’re an adult with enough money to pay upwards of $50 for a miniature chapeau—the time for looking like you just came from high school drama practice is through. I understand that you’re tired of trying. I get it. Attracting the attention of others is a thankless job. But the attention that comes from a teeny tiny hat isn’t the kind of attention you’re after anyway, trust me. So take it off already and move on. To a full-sized hat, at least.